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re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?? Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

I could go on and on about all the things I did that I thought were being a good mother. Seeing my sister die at only 35, the sober reality of how short life really is hit me in the face like cold water. She once told me during a particularly hard time in High School "If it weren't for Joe, I'd be on drugs or pregnant." I was so happy that he took delight in listening to all of her teenage problems, give her counsel and advice.

She was so happy to see me...running toward me as if I was the light of her world. I remember how my heart warmed to see my beautiful little girl that day and so many day. I did all the things for my daughter and my son that had never been done for me.

When the grief overtakes me, I remember moments like those that cannot be taken away from me. I did all the things I thought good moms do--including abstaining from alcohol, my family's curse.

My little girl with her long brown hair, came running to me with flowers she had (illegally) picked at school.

Sometimes when I grieve for her and cry for her, I vivid memory come to me--- a day I was sitting out in the backyard and the school bus dropped her off in front of the house.

A strong desire to experience life and live fully came over me. I did not want to model: "stay together for the sake of the children" to my daughter the way my mom did to me. No, I wanted to model a strong women with self respect and courage to create a happy life. In only three months after the divorce (I guess I was pretty naive and "raw meat") I hooked up with a very manly man who paid so much attention to me and seemed to be everything I ever wanted. I was so glad she had a strong male father figure because her read dad was not.

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